


Mask

by LetMeEntertainYou



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Autism, Gen, Masking, autistic!roger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 22:37:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18979735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetMeEntertainYou/pseuds/LetMeEntertainYou
Summary: But actors needed to drop the act eventually. That’s where Roger struggled the most. Taking off the mask at the end of the day or around trusted ones felt nearly impossible. He worried if the years of faking made the mask meld into his skin. Like he’d never be able to take it off, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it was.





	Mask

**Author's Note:**

> My blog is Disabled-Queen-HC on tumblr.  
> Anon asked: autistic!roger being really good at masking that when he tries to stop around the rest of queen its just kind of difficult for him?? because he has hidden his traits for his whole life and anytime he would show them before he'd get shamed. so its just all scary and difficult and he isnt really sure who he is?? and of course in the end the boys help him

Masking is natural for Roger. His second nature. He never has to think about putting on the facade of an allistic. The moment he steps out of his house, it envelops him.The laughing and smiling and eye contact, while forced, aren’t things he has to put too much thought into. When he’s in public, he has to act “normal” and he’s a really good actor.

But actors needed to drop the act eventually. That’s where Roger struggled the most. Taking off the mask at the end of the day or around trusted ones felt nearly impossible. He worried if the years of faking made the mask meld into his skin. Like he’d never be able to take it off, no matter how uncomfortable and painful it was.

Freddie threw his hair over his shoulder, a confident look on his face. “Boys, you’ll never believe it!” he said.

The three other’s leaned in, eye’s wide and curious, a murmuring of “Believe what?” echoing around the group.

“I was recognized today!” He replied, an air of whimsy around him.

The other’s were impressed, asking for more details.

“Yes, yes, it’s true! I was at the grocers and somebody called my name! I had no idea my doctor shopped at the same store as me,” he said seriously before cracking up.

Brian and John did too, slapping their knees and throwing their heads back. Roger didn’t really get the joke or feel the need to laugh, but without thinking, he was matching the intensity of those around him, laughing just as hard and with the same gusto.

It took Roger a second to realize what he was doing, but he felt too awkward to stop. So he laughed and laughed until it was appropriate to stop.

“You really had us going there, Fred,” Brian said out of breath, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Reminds me when I thought a fan was approaching me, but it was only my grammar school teacher. Thought the granny wanted an autograph, but all she cared to know was if I could finally spell my name correctly,” Brian, John and Freddie burst into snickers and guffaws, shoving and slapping at each other playfully. 

Roger could see the humor of it yet didn’t feel the need to laugh. So he didn’t. A conscious choice.

On one hand, it felt good to not act. It required so much less energy. On the other, he felt singled out. Maybe rude for not following the flow of the group. A sore thumb. Was the trade off worth it? 

He started to jiggle his leg, a nervous stim of his that many thought was just Roger being his energetic self. The group came too from their giggling fit, Freddie patting Roger’s shoulder.

“Why so glum? Jealous of our fan experiences?” he said, the last part being sarcastic. Roger knew that. Identifying sarcasm was a skill he had to learn by force. 

“Oh, no, I’m not glum,” Roger said, a forced smile tickling at his lips. 

Why was he so afraid to be himself around them? It’s not like they’ve ever been mean to him before. But they’ve never seen the real him either. What if they didn’t like that Roger? What if they preferred his mask?

His leg jiggling grew faster as the thoughts in his head grew more negative. The room could sense it, everyone becoming a big uneasy.

“What’s wrong, Rog? You seem irritated,” Brian said with genuine concern, his head tilting. 

Roger opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out, unsure of what to say. Nothing he could say would make sense or be short and simple. He’d have to explain so much. Was it worth it?

“Are you ill?” Freddie chimed in, trying to feel Roger’s forehead with his palm, Roger ducking out of the way. 

The mask was digging into his skin.

“I’m not sick! I’m- I’m fine. I uh..” his voice trailed off, brain filled with too many things to focus on one train of thought. So Roger got up and did the thing that helped him concentrate.

He jumped.

The obnoxious movements somehow brought peace to him. Like that was the state his body was supposed to be in all the time. 

And although he’d never done this in front of them before and even though they all probably thought he was higher than a kite, he felt really good. 

“Reckon he’s on LSD?” Freddie said, looking at the spectacle in front of him.

“Probably,” John said, eyebrows knitted curiously.

Once he felt calm enough, Roger stopped, turning to face them.

“I’m not on a single substance right now. I’m just being…being Roger. Myself,” he said, still unsure of how to get all of his thoughts out coherently. 

They all stared at him, question marks somehow visible on their foreheads. Roger couldn’t help but to laugh, enjoying how the tables had turned. It was usually Roger who was confused.

“I’m different. Ever since I was born. Special, maybe. But uh, I’ve always known that. So, I hid it from everyone. It wasn’t something I decided either. My brain just…made me act like everyone else. I think to survive…” he started to flap a little.

“Hiding is kinda like acting, y’know? I put on a persona for everyone so nobody thinks I’m weird. It’s taxing, though. Incredibly. And it hurts. My plight for normality wounds me,”

“And I love you guys. I don’t want to lie around you guys anymore. But I’m scared…that you won’t like the real Roger. That you’ll find him to be annoying. Or to be a spaz. But I’m really tired. And it’s too painful. So, I think I’m done pretending. I..have to not care anymore,”

And with that, Roger left the room. He had just poured his heart out and absolutely could not tolerate the idea of being there while the others processed it. He didn’t want to answer questions or be coddled. He just needed to unburden himself. 

The guys left him alone for a minute or two before they all exited the room, hoping to find him and talk.

He wasn’t hard to find, standing by the entrance of the building, playing with some of his hair absentmindedly as he stared out the glass door. 

“Roger, darling, there you are!” Freddie said, herding the others over to him.

Roger would have smiled if he was masking but he didn’t. He just looked at them, fingers fiddling with blond locks. 

“I think we’re all a little confused about what you said, but I do believe the main message is clear. Don’t pretend to be something your not. Not for our sakes. Especially if it hurts you inside,” Freddie said, a soft smile on his face.

“We’d love you no matter what. “Weird” or not. You’re our best mate. You’re our Roger. Nothing could make us think of you as less,” Brian said, resting a hand on Roger’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to pretend anymore,” John said, always so brief but exact with his words. 

Roger looked down at his sparkly shoes, letting what they said digest. He wondered if they really meant it. If they truly believed they could handle Roger in his true form.

There was only one way to find out.

Roger smiled, a genuine smile, looking at how the glitter on his shoes caught the light. 

“Alright, then,” he said quietly before hopping up and down a few times. He loved the feeling of his hair floating up and crashing back down over his ears and cheeks.

“Alrighty,” they echoed, each one pulling Roger into a hug before padding back off into the room to finish their night of gossiping and unwinding.

Much to Roger’s surprise, they never went back on their promises. It was hard at first to always be himself around them, but eventually, those 3 guys started to feel like home. And he never wore his mask at home.


End file.
